Today I wanted to talk about secret sin. This was a phrase I was a little unsure of when I first heard it, because isn’t most sin done in secret? Aren’t most mistakes guarded fiercely? I know that when I was in my addiction I tried desperately to hide that fact from my family and friends. This is because sin thrives in the darkness of secrecy. But when I decided to get clean, I had to ask for help and admit that I had messed up. I believe that secret sin is a mistake or struggle that we try to solve on our own in secret. We try to sweep it under the rug and pretend to the world that nothing has happened.
In recovery, we are learning the importance of transparency and confession. We learn that the act of sharing our struggles and mistakes takes the weight away from the secret and provides us with accountability and much needed encouragement and support. But that’s easier said than done. There’s many reasons why sharing our mistakes is so difficult. For one, it’s incredibly uncomfortable to be vulnerable and bare ourselves to those around us. There’s always the risk that we’re going to be judged or met with scorn. Personally, when I share something that I’m particularly sensitive about, I’m afraid that I’m going to hear that I’m alone in my struggles. There are few things worse than the belief that my struggle is completely unique. But I have learned through my experience that, so far, I have yet to make a mistake that no one else has ever made before. When I keep my sins to myself, I am keeping myself from the realization that I am not alone in what I go through. The realization that other people struggle in the same way that I do really takes the weight out of the secret and allows me to start healing.
Another thing that makes confession so scary is the consequences that our sins cause. Being honest about a mistake we’ve made may cause us to lose something valuable to us. Maybe we fear the loss of a relationship or our job. Maybe we are just scared to disappoint our loved ones. When facing these serious consequences, it definitely can feel like the best thing to do is hide. Proverbs 28:13 says, “Whoever conceals their sin does not prosper, but the one who confessed and renounced them finds mercy.” The truth is that our mistakes are usually eventually revealed anyway, whether by our own transparency or by our own missteps. I have found that when I make the decision to be honest about something difficult, I am met with more respect and understanding than if my own actions end up telling on me. It may be too late to go back and undo my mistakes, but it’s not too late to make the decision to right them.
I want to make it clear that, while it’s important to live transparently, there is a difference between secrecy and privacy. Transparency doesn’t mean that we have to share every little detail with every single person. It doesn’t even mean that we have to confess our worst sins to every single person. It’s always been helpful for me to confide in someone who loves me and who I know will hold me accountable without judging me. And of course, it’s important to confess my sins to God. Sometimes it feels like confessing to God isn’t really necessary because he sees and knows everything already. But I have found that it is important to make the time to admit to God that I’m struggling. I like this verse from Psalm 69:5 for its simple honesty, “You, God, know my folly, my guilt is not hidden from you.”
And finally, I’d like to end this with the reminder that we can’t hide from God. We may become very skilled at lying to our loved ones and even ourselves, but God sees our hearts. Psalm 139: 3-5 says, “You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all of my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.” It is always reassuring to remember that God has seen the very darkest part of my heart and still loves me. He knows everything I have ever done wrong and everything I ever will do wrong and still finds me worthy. Keeping that in mind makes it a little easier to be able to confess and ask for help.
– Sarah Gudmunson
