I’d like to talk today about relationships because they’re such an important part of our recovery and of life in general. God created us as social creatures and we need relationships. It’s impossible to go through life without relationships, whether those relationships come in the form of friendships, co-workers, family members, significant others, or acquaintances. Genesis 2:18 says, “The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” And that’s why it’s so important for us to learn how to navigate our relationships and maintain healthy communication and healthy boundaries. As many of you know, relationships can prove to be a huge asset in our lives. We need our people to hold us accountable, to encourage us, to love us, and to motivate us. But relationships can be complicated and complex. The reason for this is really simple – it’s because we are dealing with other humans who, just like us, aren’t perfect.
When we are in recovery, our priority in our relationships has to be ourselves. I know this may seem to go against what we’ve been taught, because we’ve been told to be selfless and to give of ourselves to others. I want to make it clear that I’m not saying we shouldn’t do this, because God does call us to serve. But when we are in recovery, we have to constantly be aware of our limits and our boundaries. We have already discussed in this group that we are of no use to others if we are not healthy. God wants us to serve others, but he doesn’t want us to put ourselves at risk in the process. One of the most important things I learned in recovery was how to set healthy boundaries with others and with myself. The first step for doing this was learning how to recognize what my limitations are. It was important to really be honest with myself about this because sometimes I struggled with understanding the difference between not wanting to do something and not being able to do something. I had to make sure that these boundaries were feasible – for example, I can’t tell my boss that I’m choosing to spend all my time at work on my phone because I don’t feel like working. But I can communicate with my boss, letting them know, for example, “You know, I’m really uncomfortable working with this specific client.” In my experience, the best way to navigate this sort of thing is with clear and honest communication. There have been times where I was not willing or able to offer what was expected of me, and in those instances the relationship has sometimes had to be severed. The important thing I’ve learned when it comes to setting boundaries is that I cannot simply determine the boundaries I want to have – I have to communicate them with others so that they know what they can expect of me. During this process, I had to determine what my priorities were. For me personally, my priorities were my children, my recovery, my education, my work, my relationship with God, and my family. If there were things that were going to get in the way of these priorities, I decided not to let them in my life. Sometimes that meant cutting certain people out of my life and sometimes it meant not agreeing to further engagements. And this is something that I actually really struggled with because I tend to be a people pleaser and I always feel so bad when I have to tell people no. I always feel like I owe an explanation but the truth is, unless I’m communicating with someone who I am accountable to, I don’t need to explain my choices. Galatians 1:10 says, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
Another thing that has been important in maintaining healthy relationships is making sure that the relationships I have are reciprocal. This is an ongoing process of reflection. I want to make sure that there is both give and take in a relationship. I don’t have the energy to maintain relationships where I am only giving and it’s unfair to expect relationships where I am only taking. If I feel that this give and take is uneven, it may be time to consider some changes. Part of maintaining reciprocity in my relationships includes being able to communicate honestly with those who are closest to me. If we get into a disagreement, there’s going to be a strain on the relationship if I pretend to ignore the issue and then secretly become bitter about it. Usually, depending on what the issue is, I try to forgive and move past the disagreement. God calls us to love and to forgive. But, in doing so, I need to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the disagreement, because usually these things aren’t one sided.
Perhaps one of the most important things about maintaining healthy relationships in recovery is choosing wisely who we spend time around. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” This is something I used to struggle with a little bit because God also wants us to serve those who are broken and vulnerable. But there is a definite difference between serving those who are broken and allowing them to influence us. I think one main way to distinguish the difference between these two things is to honestly evaluate our motives. Are we spending time with this person because they justify our bad behavior or are we really trying to help them? Personally, it’s made all the difference to surround myself with people who are like minded, who I look up to, and who I want to learn from. I know that we are so easily influenced by the people around us, whether we realize it or not. I want to be influenced positively. I want to surround myself with light and love, and more importantly, I want to represent light and love to others.
– Sarah Gudmunson
